August 27, 2023
Dear Admissions Officer,
Thank you for the prompt you provided to apply to your tiny/small/medium/large/massive university in the middle of nowhere/charming college town/city as a campus. Let me tell you about myself and why I should be a student at your school.
I am 50 years old (for one more day) and the mother to two teenagers. I am married to a kind man who makes me laugh and cooks for our family, a feminist win! I’ve had moderate success in various “creative” careers since graduating from a medium sized “crunchy” “outdoorsy” and “not super competitive” university in a “charming college town” almost 30 years ago. I would say with the earned self awareness/self absorption that comes with living in New York City since graduation, that my college experience has certainly shaped me into the high thread count hippie that I am today.
My life is full – I have a good marriage and my children are curious, articulate, and funny. Being a parent has been my honor and joy since they came roaring into my life, but the experience of rearing children (so biblical! So zoological!) is infinite in its depth of impact. It is both terrifying and exhilarating to watch little tiny people that you think of as your possessions, transform into big, sweaty, opinionated people who slowly, deliberately, and then all at once become citizens of this world spinning beyond your control. They never actually belonged to you!
Anyway, like I said, my life is full! I’m in a book club. I have been marching for women’s rights, justice for all and against terrible men for as long as I can remember. I work in my community. I try to model values for my kids without posting about it on social media, but I still do that sometimes. I think a lot about people and their stories and where they’re coming from. I’ve always had many friends and acquaintances and I can usually talk to anyone at a party because I’m actually interviewing them for my defunct podcast. I’m earnest and cynical at the same time. I like to have fun, but I’m definitely out of practice.
That pandemic changed the way I think about fear and anxiety. It changed the way I think about life on this planet. It made me hyper aware of ….. Something? Existence? Making it count? What? In some ways it made me want to do more, to help someone somewhere, to collaborate and to feel connected to others, to figure out how to be proud of myself the way I look like I was in some of those social media posts from 7 - 10 years ago.
These last few years have strengthened my desire/need to make art, and trust that I actually have something to add to the dialogue. But, I’m not really doing that. I’m not making anything. I think it's because I’m worn down? Overwhelmed, tired, and unclear on what even IS anything.
I found out yesterday that my friend, also 50, had died. We met with our then toddlers at the pirate playground. She had breast cancer then but I didn’t know. We did things. We went to a women’s march, and we went to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden and we met David Sedaris at a bookstore. We went to a formal party once and smoked a joint in the icy rain and then she slipped and broke her arm. We met to talk about a cool business idea she had. She came to a thing I did at the library. She came to neighborhood meetings and we laughed about our weird community. We went on walks during the pandemic. We talked about our dead moms. We talked about our kids. She didn’t want to talk about being sick so we didn’t. She was funny and smart and we did things together and we texted and then I didn’t hear from her for a few months and she was gone. She is my second dear friend to die at 50.
Sorry, is this too personal?
Let me get back to why you should admit me to your University.
In summary, life is fleeting and things make no sense. Donald Trump and Rudy Guliani roam this earth and H and T no longer do. My kids are needing me less and I am needing more from and for myself. I want a place I can “explore” and “discover” what I’m supposed to do next. Your admissions catalog uses these words, and I feel some urgency to learn more and engage. I need a plan. Why is college only for the young? Why do we think that middle aged people have things figured out? Who is here to teach us? Can you help? Otherwise, I might have to join a cult.
Sincerely,
Mallory Kasdan
Class of Turning 51